Tuesday, April 22, 2014

No words....

Really, no, Really! The one that talked the ear of a post off about nothing at all, doesn't know how to put into words that which I am consumed with. Exhaustion, hopefulness, frustration, wiggly-gotta-move-ness, complete and total guilt, helplessness along with a vast array of other emotions spanning the scale from upbeat to downtrodden.

I'm talking about bed rest.

I feel I should be able to let my fingers jump about the keys and pour it all out. That should make it better, right. Put it into words gets it out of the system. I sure hope so. I just don't know quiet how to explain it. When I'm laying down or in a mostly reclined position, as I am suppose to stay, I usually feel fine. Like I could conquer the world... or at least the laundry.  The problem is, once I hop out of bed to grab a sandwich, or a new nail polish color, the pressure and contractions start back. No, it isn't usually that instantaneous though, maybe would be better if it were. It usually gives me just enough time to think "Hey, I got this. Look at me, I'll just go mix up some cookies for the kids. They would love that!" By that point, however, I'm headlong into having to knock myself out to relax my body back. It totally sucks and I'm totally being a whiny baby about it. You trying being a over-active busy body wife and mother of 4 children whom are used to being very involved not to mention a fitness dork and personal trainer then BAM... in order to save every last second of in-utero time you can for baby #5 you required to hand over control of EVERYTHING and "relax". Yes, I realize exactly how important it is for me to heed my OB's word and allow the baby baking time. Trust me, I have had pre-term babies. I have a husband who's life work is pre-term babies. I am fully aware of the importance. That, however, doesn't relieve any of the guilt. None of the anxiety is lessened. I still have a husband and 4 out-of-utero babies to care for. I still have a house and friends and family and a dog and career that all need attention. I am stuck between a rock and hard place. Sitting her, mind whirling like peas, listening to the world move around me.

I know others are and have been in this position. I know that there are worse things in life. I know that the sun will rise and set again and God has a greater purpose in all he does. I know that I am blessed with family and friends that are going out of their way to support us. I know all of this but, right now, in this moment, I am lonely and I am scared. There, I guess I did put it in words. It didn't help.

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